Well...again it has been awhile since I have written a new post. If you were to ask me face to face why I have not written, I would say I have just been busy. Although if I take a real inventory of how I have been acting lately I think I may be slipping back into some depression. I feel very frustrated with myself and my actions, that I am beginning to rekindle my past love affair with my bed. Apathy has overtaken me...as soon as I am not working or doing something that has been scheduled on my calendar I crawl into my safe place of nothingness. This is the place where I have no responsibilities, no expectations, no disappointments. In this place I can just be alone and watch TV to escape the thoughts that run through my head, and deny the desires in my heart, run away from the responsibilities that plague me.
All the while this is going on, I feel God talking to me, telling me He has a wonderful plans for me...for an abundant life. Everyday however, the more I withdraw into my covers, and into my secret sins, to find satisfaction the less I hear the Saviour calling to me. This shouldn't surprise me, when I know I need to run to Him instead of allowing myself to be swallowed up by self pity and apathy. I know I am told to seek and I will find, cry out and He will answer, but I find myself unable to do so. I feel stuck...trapped in my own desires. Chained by my unwillingness to get out of bed. The voice of change and hope that used to be so clear, is now a distant whisper....so far away, and unclear.
One hand holds tightly onto the world I live in and the control that I long to keep, the other slowly letting go of the One I should be holding onto tightly. I feel my grip slipping every time I willfully disobey my Father. I know that the more I hold onto the world, and try to control my own destiny the less and less control I really will have. I want to obey, but I don't want to obey. I want to be saved, but I want to be my own hero. I desire intimacy with my Saviour, but don't want to spend time with Him at the expense of missing my TV time. I am frustrated...there is no balance in my life...I try to keep one foot in the world, and the other in heavenly things, and it doesn't work. I know I need to let go...but how...how do I make myself search after the right life, and not just the right things? How do I let go...how do I surrender it all? Funny, this is what I taught last summer at youth camp...now I am drowning in the sea of longing...longing to put things right myself. While all this time, I am reminded...it is not I that changes the chaos of my life, it is He and only He that makes my chaos into something beautiful.
"Two Hands" by Jars of Clay
I’ve been living out of sanity I’ve been splitting hairs and blurring lines I am a house that is divided In my heart and in my mind Chorus* *I use one hand to pull you closer The other to push you away If I had two hands doing the same thing Lifted high, lifted high* I have a broken disposition I’m a liar who thirsts for the truth And while I ache for faith to hold me I need to feel the scars and see the proof (Chorus) And if we just keep digging we can reach the foundation Of our souls And if we just keep cutting all the chains from our hearts We’ll lose control And it feels like giving in It feels like starting over It feels like waking up, and you know it’s coming It feels like a brand new day Open your eyes (Chorus) Lifted high, Lifted high,
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I749u84cFDI
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