This Year

Well...The year is almost over, and true to what I wanted this year has been a year full of change. I think this year can be coined by the phrase "2 steps forward 1 step back", in fact some days it has seemed like I have taken 3 steps back instead of just 1, but the through it all the Lord has been faithful. I am constantly amazed at His steadfast abiding love that calls me to be closer to Him. SOO much has happened that last 8 months, it has been a whirlwind that I haven't even had the words to put it all down. I am going to attempt to give you a brief overview...

Well first of all in February I gave into God's calling to go to Africa on a mission trip with my church and E3 Partners. I had been feeling that I was suppose to go for a few months, and even a weirder feeling that I was suppose to stay, but since I had NEVER wanted to do that I stayed open to the idea, but assumed that I would not go much less want to stay. Well I finally signed up to go on 2 trips which would last May 5-May 28th. As I fundraised I was amazed and blessed when people gave...God provided the $5000 required to go on the day it was due. I was even able to take the days off I needed from work. God worked it all out so there was no question in my mind I was suppose to go. I still thought in my mind that I would have a hard time being in another country and would be ready to go home after just a few days. Finally came the day we were leaving. After the two 9 hour flights (one from DFW to Amsterdam, then Amsterdam to Kilamangaro) I was finally in Africa. As soon as I got off the plane on to the runway I expected to have culture shock and be ready to go home, but surprisingly I didn't. We had arrived after dark, so we then piled in a bus with all of our luggage and drove about 1 hour to where we would stay the night...still nothing.
The next day as I looked out the window of our hotel to see the city we had stayed in that night in the light,



I had a strange feeling...not of culture shock, or of being home sick like I expected...I couldn't even explain the feeling...except for PEACE...I knew this was where God wanted me to be. That morning we drove to buy Bibles written in Swahili we would use at our mission points. So we all piled back into the bus...as we drove my soul took in the sights of a people group that I would come to love.

We drove about another 2-3 hours to the city of Karatu, where we would end up staying for the next week. As we drove I kept trying to figure out how I felt in the place I was. I still couldn't put my finger on how I felt...then as I spent my time looking out across the beautiful land...

and it came to me...

I felt at home...this alone should have caused me to panic, but it didn't...I just remember the overwhelming peace of being in God's will.

When we finally arrived to Karatu the plans we had for that week completely changed. We were supposed to be camping among the Masai people and planting churches among nomadic tribes, but we had not yet received permission to do so by the government officials. So instead of working with the Masai, we worked with mission points in the area of Karatu where we were.

The next day I went out with my mission partner who happens to also be my singles pastor or as you say in Swahili my mchungaji. We got in the bus with a bunch of other people and after about 2-3 hours of insanely bumpy driving we arrived at the church we would work with that week.

It was humbling just to see where these people met for worship. After a round of introductions, and me figuring out how to go to the bathroom in Africa, we were on our way. We spent our days walking from hut to hut sharing the gospel.

People were very receptive and listen to what we had to say....

While all listened not all received, and at times it was hard because it felt like nothing was being done, but when I felt this I remember the Holy Spirit reassuring me, and telling me to just Trust and Obey. Just when I would be ready to stop, I would share and someone would receive and be saved.


We walked a lot, so we only went to like 4-5 huts per day, but many came to know Christ. This is a picture of one of the pastors and some of the women in the church. They were gracious enough to feed us everyday.

As I spent more time with these people the more God spoke to my heart. Everyday as I took in the poverty around me, I saw something I never had before. I saw zeal for the lost, and true worship in the midst of having very little. I saw hospitality, and caring, even when they had little. I saw people who were happy in the sight of the Lord, and I was convicted. Here I was in Africa among people who had very few things and lived in huts they made with their own hands, and I compared them with my life. As I did so I realized how much I depend on things, and being able to spend money for my identity. Growing up I never had much. I had to pay for my own things, and now that I am an adult I realised how I put my identity in having things. As I thought more about how much I had come to love these people and this place where I felt so at home, I was saddened when I remembered what I had holding me away from them....Debt. When I went to college and graduated with over $30,000 of student loans, I looked at the great commission as a good thing, but not for me, and I resigned to just be paying back my loans for 30 years. At this point however as my eyes were opened to the world I wanted so desperately to be able to say to God "I will go" and as I did I realized that I was chained to my debt. I could not go because I am slave to the lender. Before I had left on my trip I put a deposit down on an apartment that was significantly more than I had been paying, and I was so excited about being in a nice apt all by myself, but now as the wool had been pulled from my eyes my heart was grieved for all the money I had waisted. I was convicted to the core. As I was praying through what the Holy Spirit was reveling, The week was coming to a close. The last mission day that week we finally were able to go to the Masai trips and share the gospel with them. Here the conviction I had been feeling was cemented into my soul.

Here I was among people who lined their huts with cow dung for insulation. Where children had flies crawling around their eyes and mouths. Even though it seems like these people were adequately clothed, it was VERY cold and all most of the had were thin clothes and thin fabric that was used as blankets.

Most people didn't have shoes, and cow dung was everywhere.

In this picture you can see the shoes that were made from tires.

The whole village gathered around as we shared the gospel with them all. It was amazing to see their response, and even after how they worshiped the Lord.

I knew what I had to do when I came back home....my priorities had to be changed.

When the first week on mission was over I then went to a new area called Morongoro, and worked there at 2 mission points. I will write a post later about all that happened there, but I wanted to just give you an idea of how God moved in my heart.

When I came back home, I decided that I had to pay off my debt so I would no longer be slave to my debt. I did not move into the apartment I had put a deposit down on. When I moved out of my old apartment in June because my lease was up I went through all of my things and sold/donated probably about 75% of my things. It was so hard going through all of the things I had placed my identity in for so many years, but it was also liberating. Since June I have been living out of a suitcase, but God has always provided me a place to stay. I have been in and out of my parents house, and also house sitting and staying with friends in order to pay off debt.

It has been a long process and I have a long way to go, and many spending habits to break. This last fall I have been going through Financial Peace University with Dave Ramsey and learning how to live on a budget for the first time in my life. It has been hard, but so rewarding in that I am able to tithe and give like I never have before.

It has been hard and I have taken steps back in the process of handling my money, but God has been faithful in giving me reminders and refocusing my eyes and my heart on truth. One of those refocuses has come the last couple of months as my singles group have been studying the book Radical by David Platt. I read this book when I came back and started to make changes in my life, and as I am reading it again, my soul is renewed with the passion to be free from debt...and not do it in my own power but daily bringing it to the Lord, because that is what He has called me to do.

This last week as I read chapter 6 in this book entitled "American Wealth and a World of Poverty", I was refocused and reminded of the people I came across in Africa. Here are some startling facts from this chapter that remind me God has blessed me to bless others:

"More than 26 thousand children will die today due to starvation or a preventable disease. To put that into perspective, if this were happening among our community it would mean that every child 18 years or younger in our country would be dead within the next 2 days."

This grieves me...Does it grieve your heart?

What are you going to do about it?? Let this change you.

Don't forget...Jesus said in Matthew 25:


31“But when the Son of Man comes in His glory, and all the angels with Him, then He will sit on His glorious throne. 32“All the nations will be gathered before Him; and He will separate them from one another, as the shepherd separates the sheep from the goats; 33and He will put the sheep on His right, and the goats on the left.

34“Then the King will say to those on His right, ‘Come, you who are blessed of My Father, inherit the kingdom prepared for you from the foundation of the world. 35‘For I was hungry, and you gave Me something to eat; I was thirsty, and you gave Me something to drink; I was a stranger, and you invited Me in; 36naked, and you clothed Me; I was sick, and you visited Me; I was in prison, and you came to Me.’ 37“Then the righteous will answer Him, ‘Lord, when did we see You hungry, and feed You, or thirsty, and give You something to drink? 38‘And when did we see You a stranger, and invite You in, or naked, and clothe You? 39‘When did we see You sick, or in prison, and come to You?’ 40“The King will answer and say to them, ‘Truly I say to you, to the extent that you did it to one of these brothers of Mine, even the least of them, you did it to Me.’

41“Then He will also say to those on His left, ‘Depart from Me, accursed ones, into the eternal fire which has been prepared for the devil and his angels; 42for I was hungry, and you gave Me nothing to eat; I was thirsty, and you gave Me nothing to drink; 43I was a stranger, and you did not invite Me in; naked, and you did not clothe Me; sick, and in prison, and you did not visit Me.’ 44“Then they themselves also will answer, ‘Lord, when did we see You hungry, or thirsty, or a stranger, or naked, or sick, or in prison, and did not take care of You?’ 45“Then He will answer them, ‘Truly I say to you, to the extent that you did not do it to one of the least of these, you did not do it to Me.’ 46“These will go away into eternal punishment, but the righteous into eternal life.”

Will you feed and cloth Him? Will you invite Him in and give Him a drink?

Rollercoaster

Been awhile again since my last post. Been really busy with life, and everything that goes along with that. The last 2 months have felt like I am on the Titan at 6 flags. While that is my favorite ride at 6 flags, living in a constant state of ups and downs can be quite tiring. I have had many good days, and fun times since I last wrote, but there have also been low times. I think there have been more good times then not...but I think that make the bad days that much worse. When everything seems to be going well, and I let down my guard satan is right there to take advantage of my comfort. I am in alot of transiton in my life right now. Firstly transitioning out of 2 very close long time friendships, and secondly into a new career path. Sometimes I wish everything would stay the same, because it is safe and I know what to expect, but I know the pain I experience is only Him growing me and teaching me to depend on Him. He is getting me ready for something more, and in that I take comfort.
I also have noticed, really just today that writing is a great comfort to me. It is a time I can just get it all out. All I am feeling can be put into words, and somehow when I do that it no longer seems impossible. I have never thought of myself as a writer, but I want to share sometime that I wrote today. It encompasses most of the things that I am dealing with.

Control
In and out, out and in.
Up and down, Round and round I go, trying to satisfy the cravings within.
Alone? No not alone, people surround.
Alone? Yes alone, people surround.
Turn away, being chased,
"Keep running, you'll get away..." is the voice I hear.
Running, Breathing, Tired.
"Keep going, you CAN do it!!" someone screams to me, "If you can't do it, then who can?"
Easy words to believe.
Struggling for breath I decide to go on, alone.
running, panting, thirsting....colapsing to the ground.
Feeling defeat I look up to the sky...
A rainbow I see. A promise of God to never again destroy the earth with a flood.
A promise of control I see.
Many days and nights I ran to find peace, to find escape from another's control.
As I fall it is true freedom I see, in His unending love.
Now I see, all the time I ran, to find what I needed...all I needed to do was fall.
Alone? no, not alone...me and and the Holy Trinity together for all eternity.

"Two Hands"

Well...again it has been awhile since I have written a new post. If you were to ask me face to face why I have not written, I would say I have just been busy. Although if I take a real inventory of how I have been acting lately I think I may be slipping back into some depression. I feel very frustrated with myself and my actions, that I am beginning to rekindle my past love affair with my bed. Apathy has overtaken me...as soon as I am not working or doing something that has been scheduled on my calendar I crawl into my safe place of nothingness. This is the place where I have no responsibilities, no expectations, no disappointments. In this place I can just be alone and watch TV to escape the thoughts that run through my head, and deny the desires in my heart, run away from the responsibilities that plague me.
All the while this is going on, I feel God talking to me, telling me He has a wonderful plans for me...for an abundant life. Everyday however, the more I withdraw into my covers, and into my secret sins, to find satisfaction the less I hear the Saviour calling to me. This shouldn't surprise me, when I know I need to run to Him instead of allowing myself to be swallowed up by self pity and apathy. I know I am told to seek and I will find, cry out and He will answer, but I find myself unable to do so. I feel stuck...trapped in my own desires. Chained by my unwillingness to get out of bed. The voice of change and hope that used to be so clear, is now a distant whisper....so far away, and unclear.
One hand holds tightly onto the world I live in and the control that I long to keep, the other slowly letting go of the One I should be holding onto tightly. I feel my grip slipping every time I willfully disobey my Father. I know that the more I hold onto the world, and try to control my own destiny the less and less control I really will have. I want to obey, but I don't want to obey. I want to be saved, but I want to be my own hero. I desire intimacy with my Saviour, but don't want to spend time with Him at the expense of missing my TV time. I am frustrated...there is no balance in my life...I try to keep one foot in the world, and the other in heavenly things, and it doesn't work. I know I need to let go...but how...how do I make myself search after the right life, and not just the right things? How do I let go...how do I surrender it all? Funny, this is what I taught last summer at youth camp...now I am drowning in the sea of longing...longing to put things right myself. While all this time, I am reminded...it is not I that changes the chaos of my life, it is He and only He that makes my chaos into something beautiful.

"Two Hands" by Jars of Clay
I’ve been living out of sanity I’ve been splitting hairs and blurring lines I am a house that is divided In my heart and in my mind Chorus* *I use one hand to pull you closer The other to push you away If I had two hands doing the same thing Lifted high, lifted high* I have a broken disposition I’m a liar who thirsts for the truth And while I ache for faith to hold me I need to feel the scars and see the proof (Chorus) And if we just keep digging we can reach the foundation Of our souls And if we just keep cutting all the chains from our hearts We’ll lose control And it feels like giving in It feels like starting over It feels like waking up, and you know it’s coming It feels like a brand new day Open your eyes (Chorus) Lifted high, Lifted high,

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I749u84cFDI

Students

So, yesterday was the last class day of the fall semester at the school that I teach at. Kind of surreal that this will be my last year of teaching. When I got to school yesterday I decided that I was going to give my level 3 students a day that they could chill or study if they needed to, because most of them were exempt from my final exam anyway. During my first class I was able to just sit and talk with some of my students. As I did so, I felt God impressing them upon my heart. Each of my students are faced with so many emotions, and situations that they have no idea how to handle. My heart aches for them because I don't even know how I would handle the situations they face everyday with out the Lord. Words don't even come close when describing how much I care about the students I work with. They are my kids...my kids. I want them to succeed in life...I don't want to see them struggling to find acceptance, searching for love in the wrong places, or looking at themselves in a negative way. I look at each one of my students and I see their need for the love and acceptance, not from people here on earth, but from the only one who can satisfy those desires. Jesus Christ, the Savior of the world, the One who desires a personal relationship with with each of us. This relationship is another thing that is extremely hard to put into words. It is not just a casual relationship, or one that we only partake in when we need something. The relationship that Christ desires to have with us is suppose to be so intimate that the relationship between a husband and wife is suppose to be just a glimpse of the one we have with Christ. He is jealous to have that kind of relationship with all of my students, a satisfying relationship. Again like the woman at the well...she will thirst no more. As I type this, the Lord lays it on my heart that the care I have for my students, is just a glimmer of what He feels for me. He sees the big picture. He sees my desires and completely understands my emotions. He also sees everything I try to use to ignore and satisfy all the things I feel. Jesus looks at me and everything that surrounds my situation and says "I love you. Catherine, drink from the water that I give and you will never thirst again." It is so hard though...I don't know how to drink from His well...to find satisfaction in Him. Sometimes I just want to get away. I want to have a retreat with God...apart from all the distractions of satan.
I don't know...I guess I am just rambling now. So many things...others, feelings, Christ. Trying to figure out how to reconcile it all...

Lots to say

Well, I've been meaning to post for a while, in fact with everything that has been going on I should have at least have 3 more posts since my last one. Every time I sit down to type though something seems to happen that causes me not to write. I'm not sure what it is, maybe it is just not feeling in the mood to emotionally drain myself. Maybe I wonder if this blog is serving a purpose. Or possibly I just don't want everyone to know what is going on. If everyone knows will I still be accepted? I think it may be all of these things, but as I write this I also feel the sense of knowing if I put it out there I will be held accountable to it. Accountability is such a hard thing for me. When I am saying I want to be held accountability I am admitting that I can't do it alone. It almost feels like I am saying I am weak and can't do it alone. Honestly, that is the truth, I am weak, and I can't do it alone. I know we are one body, and we all must come along side each other and lift up or brothers and sisters, but it is hard to admit you are the one in need of lifting. I have shared some of the things that I struggle with in previous posts, and I hope to continue to do so openly and honestly. Now to update you on recent events.
First to continue on my last post about my diet, I have started and am in full the full swing of it. This diet is very different than any diet I have ever heard of. The diet is called the HCG diet and going through it results in a complete overhaul and change in how your metabolism works. Also because this diet is very intense you have to go through your doctor to do it, and I have to go in every 2 weeks to get a check up and make sure it is all going well. What happens is my doctor gives me a RX for the hormone HCG. I take it every morning. The HCG causes my body to break up and digest the fat it already has and uses it for fuel instead of the food I eat. This causes me to not be hungry, and I only eat 500 calories a day, so the other 1500 calories that are needed are obtained from stored fat in my body. I stay on this strict diet for 40 days, and then I go on a 6 weeks maintenance (with no HCG) where I can eat as much as I need to, but no starches or sugars. Then I do back on the HCG diet after the 6 weeks is over, for another 40 days. During the 40 days I can lose up to 40 lbs, but the goal of the maintenance is to not gain or lose. So far I have lose 5.5lbs, but I cheated on Friday and Saturday so if I had not done that it probably would have been more since I have been on it for 8 days so far. The diet has been good so far, but since being on it I have realised more than ever my emotional dependency on food. I eat when I am sad, I eat when I am bored, but rarely do I eat when I am hungry. It has been interesting the last few days recognising and learning when I am hungry and when I am not. It is like I am listening to my stomach for the first time ever, and that is a weird feeling. I am trying to learn that I don't need to turn to food when I am emotional because that just puts a band aide on what is really wrong. God is reminding me that He is the only one who can help how I feel because He is the one who gave me those feelings. I will write more about the diet as it goes, but it is going well...
Second, last week I went to my first Celebrate Recovery meeting. For those of you who don't know what Celebrate Recovery (CR) is, it is a 12 step program based on Biblical principles to help people get over hurts and hangups that happen in life. If you have heard of CR before you may think of it as a christian version of AA. While CR does have 12 steps like AA, it is more broad in helping people with all kinds of problems we face as Christians living in the world. Honestly any one who has ever experience a hurt or habitual sin could benefit from CR. I am going for a few reasons, some of which I have already shared, and some I have yet to share. Anyway, I went to my first class last Wednesday and it was really good. I was really nervous about being open with people I didn't know, but God blessed me going and it was good. I will probably talk more about this later, but I wanted to leave you with the first 2 steps we went over in class.
1. We admit we are powerless over our addictions and compulsive behaviors, that our lives have become unmanageable. "I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do good, but I cannot carry it out." Romans 7:18
2. We came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity. "For it is God who works in you to will and act according to His good purpose." Philippians 2:13
Third thing that has been going on is that I went with a friend down to Houston to take my advance BEI certification test (an higher level for sign language interpreting in Texas). The test went well, now just waiting for results. The trip itself was really good as well. I was able to talk about some of the struggles that I have yet to post on here, and my words were not returned void. It was a really good time of sharing and sharpening each other. I feel like it has been a long time since I have been in a situation of mutual sharpening in a long time. I value the friendship I have in this person highly and thank God for it. At the same time I know that this friendship can not be the way it is now forever, for a few reasons, and this saddens me. However, I am trusting that God will bring someone else into my life that will spur me on and keep me accountable in a deeper way than this friendship ever will.
Fourth, I am starting a book study with a couple of girlfriends and we will meet for the first time this week. The book we are going over is called "The Search for Significance: Seeing Your TRUE WORTH through God's Eyes". I started reading it a couple of days ago, and I am really excited about it, and am looking forward to changing the poor self image that I has become self imposed for so many years. The last thing I will leave you with in this incredibly long post is this:
"He chose is in Him before the foundation of the world, that we should be holy and without blame before Him in love, having predestined up to adoption as sons (and daughters) through Jesus Christ, according to the purpose of His will, to the praise of His glorious grace, which He has blessed us in the Beloved". Ephesians 1:5-6
Do you believe this? Do you believe that God looked at you and all your flaws before the beginning of time and chose you to be His pure son or daughter? You are in a royal family, a heir of the one true King. How does this affect how you see your life, and how your go about life on a daily basis?
Please leave comments letting me know. I would love to know where you are in your life, and what God is teaching you. If you don't want to leave a public post feel free to facebook me, or email me at cmshorrock@gmail.com
Love all of you, and remember, He has promised to turn our chaos into beauty if you just surrender it to Him.