Thoughts on my heart and mind

As a single woman who is coming up on a birthday that “celebrates” 3 decades of my life, I struggle with knowing if I am in the place I am suppose to be.  When I was in my teens I felt a deep calling to missions/ministry.  Growing up as a pastor’s kid and knowing what it was like to live in the ministry, this calling scared me and it was not something that I joyfully embraced.  When I finally gave into the idea, I decided that this entrance into ministry meant I would be a pastor’s wife, which is something I could live with.  At least in this ideal, I would still be able to have my desires of marriage and kids be fulfilled. I could live with “serving” God if I was able to have godly husband and be a stay at home mom.  Fast forward 13 years, I look back at my 17 year old self, walking an isle at a youth conference saying I was making a decision to follow Christ into full time ministry, and I wonder if I was really making a commitment to follow Christ, or just saying I was willing to follow a man into full time ministry.  The last 12 years of my life have spent in training, developing and working in a career that I thought would just be something I did until I met the man of my dreams and I could finally fulfill the commitment I made to God to be in full time ministry.  In this time I have been productive, and anything but stagnant in my professional life.  I have earned 2 degrees in my field, obtained certification as a teacher in 2 different disciplines, become both a state and nationally certified interpreter, risen to the top of my field, have managed to pay off most of my school debt, and have even started grad school.  As I approach the end of my 20s, I realize that even in all of the things that I have done, I still have no satisfaction.  I realize that in accomplishing good things, I took my eyes off of the best things that God has had for my life, all in the name of keeping busy until God brings me my prince charming and my life of ministry can start.  As the author of Ecclesiasties writes, 

“I, the Teacher, was king of Israel, and I lived in Jerusalem. I devoted myself to search for understanding and to explore by wisdom everything being done under heaven. I soon discovered that God has dealt a tragic existence to the human race. I observed everything going on under the sun, and really, it is all meaningless—like chasing the wind. What is wrong cannot be made right. What is missing cannot be recovered. I said to myself, “Look, I am wiser than any of the kings who ruled in Jerusalem before me. I have greater wisdom and knowledge than any of them.” So I set out to learn everything from wisdom to madness and folly. But I learned firsthand that pursuing all this is like chasing the wind. The greater my wisdom, the greater my grief. To increase knowledge only increases sorrow.”  

Looking back on the last several years, I realize that I have been grasping at the wind…chasing knowledge, prestige, and satisfaction all while I am waiting for my life of ministry to start, while waiting for God to give me someone to follow into this ministerial life.  

Only God brings happiness, and satisfaction.  I am not sure where this idea came from that I have to follow a husband to be in ministry.  Growing up in church all I remember seeing is the moms and wives serving in church and teaching sunday school.  I don’t ever remember seeing single women serving or being served by the church.  I’m not sure if it was church culture that shaped this thinking within me, or if it was a self imposed mind set to make it seem like I was surrendering to the Lord’s calling on my life, but really i was just putting stipulations on doing what God wanted, IF I get what I want.  All this to say, I have bought into satan’s lies that I must have a man to follow before I can follow God.  This idea, however is anything but Biblical.  I am reminded of the Samaritan woman at the well.  Jesus speaks to her lovingly as an equal, even though in that time women were not seen as equals to men, and jews thought Samaritans were even further beneath them.  She was confronted by Jesus with her sin, and even though she did not want to see her sin, she told other people of “the one who had told her everything she had done.”  She did not need a man to testify to the work which Jesus did in her life.  She experienced love and forgiveness from the only one who fully knew her, and that was something worth sharing. 

Please do not misunderstand me when as I share my thoughts about not needing a man to be in ministry.  I fully believe that through men lovingly leading his wife and family God desires to show the His character to the world. world.  God desires that a marriage relationship be a picture of our relationship with Hims.  A man is to love and lead His family as Christ sacrificially loved the church, and a wife is to submit herself to her husband as if unto the Lord.  I am not saying as I write this, that I am a christian feminist, or I never want to follow a man, because I do think that the picture of marriage which the Bible puts forth is good, and it is something I deeply desire.  However, this desire to follow a man into ministry, should not be replaced by an theological idea that I must follow a man in order to follow God.  If believe this, then what did Jesus die for?  Why did He come here to earth to be our Emmanuel, God with us?  My desire to follow a man must not be come an idol that comes before following God.  He must be the One who guides my steps, the one who puts a path in front of me to walk on.  I must follow, unhindered, and unafraid, for He is the one who sees all of me, yet still calls me His beloved.

Intentionality

Well, this week has been really busy, but still good.  I anticipate that this is how the rest of my time here will be.  This up coming week in particular because I have 3 tests and a teaching project that I must prepare for.  In the midst of busyness the Lord continues to speak to me in His still small voice and teach me in the most unexpected ways.  This last week specifically there has been three things He has been impressing upon me.  First, during the week I had a couple of days where all my time outside of class was spent reading and doing homework.  Being here I have to be very strategic in the time that I have because there is not much free time.  I have to decide what is the most important thing to get done and plan on when to get the rest of it done.  Specifically on Tuesday and Wednesday when I was trying to schedule out my days while walking to class the Lord just spoke to me and pointed out that I am strategic with my homework and how I spend my time because I value my grades.  I prioritize and plan what I value.  I felt the Lord then say "Do you value Me?  Do you value the people who don't know me?"  The rest of my week I have really evaluating my heart by the way I have spent my time this last year.  Have I really valued the power of the cross for salvation?  Have I really valued my unbelieving friends when I have not shared the pure gospel with them?  Have I been strategic in praying so those conversations and opportunities to arise?  And if I haven't been doing these things why?  Second thing the Lord has been impressing upon me is my need to pray/fast.  One thing that I struggle with is wanting to control things.  I want to do things on my own, or I want to help "fix" other peoples issues.  Specifically, my roommates both have so much going on back in Texas, and I wish so much just to be there and help them with everything they have going on.  Also many of my church friends are learning how to inductively study the Word together as they go through 2 Timothy.  I want to be there so much and walk through that with them, and continue to learn from my leaders there, but I can't be.  As I have been analyzing how I have been feeling about being away from my community at home and not being able to physically help with things or be involved, the Lord has been impressing upon my heart the need to pray for them.  It is so hard for me to pray for people sometimes because I feel like it is such a passive thing to do, when I feel like I need to actively participate.  I am reminded again even as I type this that I am powerless to change circumstances or the hearts of people, only God can do that.  The most powerful thing I can do for my friends is intercede for them, not try to fix all of their problems or change their hearts.
Third thing that I am learning is that I must have time to rest and refresh.  God truly knew His people when He gave them the command to have a Sabbath.  It is so easy at home and here to always go go go because there is ALWAYS something more to do.  Realizing that I must rest and have time to renew in Him but also knowing how to balance everything that must be done is  challenge.  Again it goes back to being strategic with my time in praying for the people in my life, valuing the gospel by intentionally sharing it, and carving out daily time to rest in the Word and weekly time to rest in body and spirit. 
While these are not new things the Lord has been speaking to me about, it has been a good time of self reflection and evaluation on what do I really value. Pray for me this week in my busyness that I would be faithful in obedience as the things the Lord is revealing about things about my heart and my sin tendencies.
Blessings and Peace to you all.

Catherine

8 Days In

Well still here, just finished my 8th day of classes and I got my official student ID earlier this week!

While last week seemed to be go by slowly, this week has flown by. Most of my time outside of class time is spent reading, doing homework, or writing up summaries. I am taking 4 classes which I am really enjoying. I have learned SO much that if you told me before I came up here what I would know how to do after just 8 classes I probably wouldn't have believed you!


My classes are:
(1) Morphology and Syntax 1
(2) Sign Language Phonetics
(3) Sociolinguistics
(4) Second Language Acquisition with a lab where I am learning Colombian Sign Language!
My days are pretty packed full...first class is at 8am and I have classes until 11, chapel is 11:10-11:50, lunch, then classes from 1-2 and 3-4. On top of that I have some meeting and my work assignment, so all the free time I have is mostly on homework. On top of learning some really cool things I have also met some really awesome people. It is really cool to be around so many linguistics and missions minded people. Most of the students here have either been on the field already, or training to be on the field, and as far as I can tell all of the professors have spent significant amount of time on the field with many different types of langu/cultural groups. I have been able to have such great conversations with people gleaning from their experiences. My roommate has been a missionary overseas since 2007, I met a someone who is working with a Biblical translations team for the Deaf in Kenya, one of my professors was a missionary and language surveyor with the Deaf in Spain, and I have also had an encouraging conversation with a Deaf translator with Wycliffe about how to teach the Deaf to study the Word of God. I honestly can't believe I have gained so much in such a short amount of time here at SIL. So many more things I want to type about, but unfortunately I have a list of things to get done tonight. Miss all of you back home, and feel free to text or call any time. If I don't answer I will get back to you!


Oh, and did I say that the weather this week has been much nicer than last week!  My dorm room which is on the 3rd floor does not have AC, and it was in the 90s last week.  This week however the highs have been in the 50s - mid 70s...which is a lot more comfortable without AC!  Here is a Picture of my dorm room.
Well, I will blog again soon, but in the meantime check out the PDF of this newsletter about Wycliffe's partnerships and their work with the Deaf.
Word Alive: Deaf Around the World

I'm writing this from my dorm room at the University of North Dakota about to start my first day of classes for the summer.  The last month has been crazy in finishing up the school year, packing up all my things to store for the summer, and getting ready to come out here for the next two months.  As I was deciding to spend my summer here at UND I struggled with leaving my community at home so I invited key people to process the decision with and allowed them to speak truth into my life.  After I made the final decision of coming, there was SO much to get done, that I didn't really have the chance to talk to many of my friends and family to let them know exactly what I will be doing during my time here.  Since I already had this blog I thought this would be a good way to explain what I will be doing and learning here, as well as keep you all updated while I am 1,200 miles away from most of you.
So here it goes.  As many of you know the Lord has given me the desire, passion, and skill to work with the Deaf.  Over the last couple of years the Lord has really opened my eyes to the global Deaf community, the lack of gospel influence within the Deaf Community, and the importance of the Word of God to all believers.  As the Lord has been gracious in continuing to open my eyes to things I was previously blind to, my mind and heart has stirred with many questions about how can the Deaf know Jesus if the Word is not in their heart language? How can translated stories serve as making effective disciples of Jesus if there is no context within to define abstract concepts?  or Even if there is a full Bible translation in a Deaf persons heart language how do you teach them to study a visual language inductively?  These are just some of the questions that have been on my heart and mind the last year or so.  As I have contemplated these things, I have sought out people to ask, as well as places to train.  In my research and through various people I have spoken with I came across a program called Summer Institute of Linguistics (SIL) which works closely with Wycliffe Bible Translators.  Many students who go through SIL want to be on the field as Bible Translators.  As I continued to do research I found out that they have special courses which focus on Deafness and the linguistic features of sign languages from around the world.  The neat thing about this program is that even though many people here want to work in Biblical Translations, it is really just a linguistics program and also attracts people of other faiths and backgrounds to learn more about linguistics.  I am excited about the classes that I am taking because I know that it will not only push me more towards things I want to be doing in the future, but also will benefit me in my current job as an interpreter going between spoken English and American Sign Language on a regular basis.  I don't really know where the Lord will be leading me the next few years, but I do feel like this training and networking opportunity will be a catalyst towards where ever I end up being. 
I will be posting here through out the summer as an update on what's going on and how everything is going.  On a side note, my dorm room here does not have AC and I'm on the 3rd floor (heat rises)!  I swear I have sweated more here than I ever do in Texas!  Definitely not as cool here as I was expecting!
Will be posting more soon! :-)
If you are interested in learning more about SIL and what it offers here is the link to their website.
 http://arts-sciences.und.edu/summer-institute-of-linguistics/index.cfm 

This Year

Well...The year is almost over, and true to what I wanted this year has been a year full of change. I think this year can be coined by the phrase "2 steps forward 1 step back", in fact some days it has seemed like I have taken 3 steps back instead of just 1, but the through it all the Lord has been faithful. I am constantly amazed at His steadfast abiding love that calls me to be closer to Him. SOO much has happened that last 8 months, it has been a whirlwind that I haven't even had the words to put it all down. I am going to attempt to give you a brief overview...

Well first of all in February I gave into God's calling to go to Africa on a mission trip with my church and E3 Partners. I had been feeling that I was suppose to go for a few months, and even a weirder feeling that I was suppose to stay, but since I had NEVER wanted to do that I stayed open to the idea, but assumed that I would not go much less want to stay. Well I finally signed up to go on 2 trips which would last May 5-May 28th. As I fundraised I was amazed and blessed when people gave...God provided the $5000 required to go on the day it was due. I was even able to take the days off I needed from work. God worked it all out so there was no question in my mind I was suppose to go. I still thought in my mind that I would have a hard time being in another country and would be ready to go home after just a few days. Finally came the day we were leaving. After the two 9 hour flights (one from DFW to Amsterdam, then Amsterdam to Kilamangaro) I was finally in Africa. As soon as I got off the plane on to the runway I expected to have culture shock and be ready to go home, but surprisingly I didn't. We had arrived after dark, so we then piled in a bus with all of our luggage and drove about 1 hour to where we would stay the night...still nothing.
The next day as I looked out the window of our hotel to see the city we had stayed in that night in the light,



I had a strange feeling...not of culture shock, or of being home sick like I expected...I couldn't even explain the feeling...except for PEACE...I knew this was where God wanted me to be. That morning we drove to buy Bibles written in Swahili we would use at our mission points. So we all piled back into the bus...as we drove my soul took in the sights of a people group that I would come to love.

We drove about another 2-3 hours to the city of Karatu, where we would end up staying for the next week. As we drove I kept trying to figure out how I felt in the place I was. I still couldn't put my finger on how I felt...then as I spent my time looking out across the beautiful land...

and it came to me...

I felt at home...this alone should have caused me to panic, but it didn't...I just remember the overwhelming peace of being in God's will.

When we finally arrived to Karatu the plans we had for that week completely changed. We were supposed to be camping among the Masai people and planting churches among nomadic tribes, but we had not yet received permission to do so by the government officials. So instead of working with the Masai, we worked with mission points in the area of Karatu where we were.

The next day I went out with my mission partner who happens to also be my singles pastor or as you say in Swahili my mchungaji. We got in the bus with a bunch of other people and after about 2-3 hours of insanely bumpy driving we arrived at the church we would work with that week.

It was humbling just to see where these people met for worship. After a round of introductions, and me figuring out how to go to the bathroom in Africa, we were on our way. We spent our days walking from hut to hut sharing the gospel.

People were very receptive and listen to what we had to say....

While all listened not all received, and at times it was hard because it felt like nothing was being done, but when I felt this I remember the Holy Spirit reassuring me, and telling me to just Trust and Obey. Just when I would be ready to stop, I would share and someone would receive and be saved.


We walked a lot, so we only went to like 4-5 huts per day, but many came to know Christ. This is a picture of one of the pastors and some of the women in the church. They were gracious enough to feed us everyday.

As I spent more time with these people the more God spoke to my heart. Everyday as I took in the poverty around me, I saw something I never had before. I saw zeal for the lost, and true worship in the midst of having very little. I saw hospitality, and caring, even when they had little. I saw people who were happy in the sight of the Lord, and I was convicted. Here I was in Africa among people who had very few things and lived in huts they made with their own hands, and I compared them with my life. As I did so I realized how much I depend on things, and being able to spend money for my identity. Growing up I never had much. I had to pay for my own things, and now that I am an adult I realised how I put my identity in having things. As I thought more about how much I had come to love these people and this place where I felt so at home, I was saddened when I remembered what I had holding me away from them....Debt. When I went to college and graduated with over $30,000 of student loans, I looked at the great commission as a good thing, but not for me, and I resigned to just be paying back my loans for 30 years. At this point however as my eyes were opened to the world I wanted so desperately to be able to say to God "I will go" and as I did I realized that I was chained to my debt. I could not go because I am slave to the lender. Before I had left on my trip I put a deposit down on an apartment that was significantly more than I had been paying, and I was so excited about being in a nice apt all by myself, but now as the wool had been pulled from my eyes my heart was grieved for all the money I had waisted. I was convicted to the core. As I was praying through what the Holy Spirit was reveling, The week was coming to a close. The last mission day that week we finally were able to go to the Masai trips and share the gospel with them. Here the conviction I had been feeling was cemented into my soul.

Here I was among people who lined their huts with cow dung for insulation. Where children had flies crawling around their eyes and mouths. Even though it seems like these people were adequately clothed, it was VERY cold and all most of the had were thin clothes and thin fabric that was used as blankets.

Most people didn't have shoes, and cow dung was everywhere.

In this picture you can see the shoes that were made from tires.

The whole village gathered around as we shared the gospel with them all. It was amazing to see their response, and even after how they worshiped the Lord.

I knew what I had to do when I came back home....my priorities had to be changed.

When the first week on mission was over I then went to a new area called Morongoro, and worked there at 2 mission points. I will write a post later about all that happened there, but I wanted to just give you an idea of how God moved in my heart.

When I came back home, I decided that I had to pay off my debt so I would no longer be slave to my debt. I did not move into the apartment I had put a deposit down on. When I moved out of my old apartment in June because my lease was up I went through all of my things and sold/donated probably about 75% of my things. It was so hard going through all of the things I had placed my identity in for so many years, but it was also liberating. Since June I have been living out of a suitcase, but God has always provided me a place to stay. I have been in and out of my parents house, and also house sitting and staying with friends in order to pay off debt.

It has been a long process and I have a long way to go, and many spending habits to break. This last fall I have been going through Financial Peace University with Dave Ramsey and learning how to live on a budget for the first time in my life. It has been hard, but so rewarding in that I am able to tithe and give like I never have before.

It has been hard and I have taken steps back in the process of handling my money, but God has been faithful in giving me reminders and refocusing my eyes and my heart on truth. One of those refocuses has come the last couple of months as my singles group have been studying the book Radical by David Platt. I read this book when I came back and started to make changes in my life, and as I am reading it again, my soul is renewed with the passion to be free from debt...and not do it in my own power but daily bringing it to the Lord, because that is what He has called me to do.

This last week as I read chapter 6 in this book entitled "American Wealth and a World of Poverty", I was refocused and reminded of the people I came across in Africa. Here are some startling facts from this chapter that remind me God has blessed me to bless others:

"More than 26 thousand children will die today due to starvation or a preventable disease. To put that into perspective, if this were happening among our community it would mean that every child 18 years or younger in our country would be dead within the next 2 days."

This grieves me...Does it grieve your heart?

What are you going to do about it?? Let this change you.

Don't forget...Jesus said in Matthew 25:


31“But when the Son of Man comes in His glory, and all the angels with Him, then He will sit on His glorious throne. 32“All the nations will be gathered before Him; and He will separate them from one another, as the shepherd separates the sheep from the goats; 33and He will put the sheep on His right, and the goats on the left.

34“Then the King will say to those on His right, ‘Come, you who are blessed of My Father, inherit the kingdom prepared for you from the foundation of the world. 35‘For I was hungry, and you gave Me something to eat; I was thirsty, and you gave Me something to drink; I was a stranger, and you invited Me in; 36naked, and you clothed Me; I was sick, and you visited Me; I was in prison, and you came to Me.’ 37“Then the righteous will answer Him, ‘Lord, when did we see You hungry, and feed You, or thirsty, and give You something to drink? 38‘And when did we see You a stranger, and invite You in, or naked, and clothe You? 39‘When did we see You sick, or in prison, and come to You?’ 40“The King will answer and say to them, ‘Truly I say to you, to the extent that you did it to one of these brothers of Mine, even the least of them, you did it to Me.’

41“Then He will also say to those on His left, ‘Depart from Me, accursed ones, into the eternal fire which has been prepared for the devil and his angels; 42for I was hungry, and you gave Me nothing to eat; I was thirsty, and you gave Me nothing to drink; 43I was a stranger, and you did not invite Me in; naked, and you did not clothe Me; sick, and in prison, and you did not visit Me.’ 44“Then they themselves also will answer, ‘Lord, when did we see You hungry, or thirsty, or a stranger, or naked, or sick, or in prison, and did not take care of You?’ 45“Then He will answer them, ‘Truly I say to you, to the extent that you did not do it to one of the least of these, you did not do it to Me.’ 46“These will go away into eternal punishment, but the righteous into eternal life.”

Will you feed and cloth Him? Will you invite Him in and give Him a drink?

Rollercoaster

Been awhile again since my last post. Been really busy with life, and everything that goes along with that. The last 2 months have felt like I am on the Titan at 6 flags. While that is my favorite ride at 6 flags, living in a constant state of ups and downs can be quite tiring. I have had many good days, and fun times since I last wrote, but there have also been low times. I think there have been more good times then not...but I think that make the bad days that much worse. When everything seems to be going well, and I let down my guard satan is right there to take advantage of my comfort. I am in alot of transiton in my life right now. Firstly transitioning out of 2 very close long time friendships, and secondly into a new career path. Sometimes I wish everything would stay the same, because it is safe and I know what to expect, but I know the pain I experience is only Him growing me and teaching me to depend on Him. He is getting me ready for something more, and in that I take comfort.
I also have noticed, really just today that writing is a great comfort to me. It is a time I can just get it all out. All I am feeling can be put into words, and somehow when I do that it no longer seems impossible. I have never thought of myself as a writer, but I want to share sometime that I wrote today. It encompasses most of the things that I am dealing with.

Control
In and out, out and in.
Up and down, Round and round I go, trying to satisfy the cravings within.
Alone? No not alone, people surround.
Alone? Yes alone, people surround.
Turn away, being chased,
"Keep running, you'll get away..." is the voice I hear.
Running, Breathing, Tired.
"Keep going, you CAN do it!!" someone screams to me, "If you can't do it, then who can?"
Easy words to believe.
Struggling for breath I decide to go on, alone.
running, panting, thirsting....colapsing to the ground.
Feeling defeat I look up to the sky...
A rainbow I see. A promise of God to never again destroy the earth with a flood.
A promise of control I see.
Many days and nights I ran to find peace, to find escape from another's control.
As I fall it is true freedom I see, in His unending love.
Now I see, all the time I ran, to find what I needed...all I needed to do was fall.
Alone? no, not alone...me and and the Holy Trinity together for all eternity.