First Step

So, last post I talked about struggles I deal with, and istead of continuing to push them under the rug, this new year I am taking them one at a time and working on them. The first thing I am working on is my weight. I know that most people say they want to loose weight for the new year, because I have done the same thing for many years. However when I have done this it is with the perspective that there is something wrong with me. It is with the thought of "I am ugly and not acceptable" looming over my head, I enter each diet that I have ever been on. This is the lie that I have bought into for years. Building my self worth off of what size I wear and what I look like. Looking back I have always felt this way about myself. I remember one time when I was a child, I was told by someone who was a big part of my life, that it was good I was overweight because when I got married I would know it wasn't for my body but it would be for what was on the inside. I know that this person did not mean this statement to be negative, but it has framed the way I have seen myself for years. When I was finishing up High School I was tired of being overweight so I became determined to loose weight. I lost about 70 pounds by not eating any carbs for over 1 year. During this time, I began to look at my body in a different way. Eventhough I was loosing weight and had a much better figure, I didn't see that. When I looked in the mirror I always saw what was still there...only seeing how much more I had to loose. I developed an even worse self image of myself because my stomach wasn't completely flat and I still had a double chin. So on top of dieting I was wroking out for at least two hours everyday. When I started to platau on loosing weight, and I was tired of dieting I thought I could eat what everyone else was eating and just continue to exercize. Well when I started eating I couldn't stop. After I would eat pizza, or a grilled cheese sandwich I would feel so guilty that I had to just get rid of it. It was then that I decided that I could eat whatever I wanted and just throw it up. It would be the best of both worlds, eat whatever I wanted but not get any of the calories. I did this every so often, but after a while realised what I was doing was not good. I started balancing out my eating habits, but then I moved away to North Carolina for school. This was the first time I had ever spent more than 2 weeks away from home, and I got really home sick. I medicated this feeling with the all you can eat food in the cafeteria. When I started gaining weight I started throwing up again. Again I had bought into the lie of not being good enough, and that what I was doing was ok. It wasn't until I was into my 3rd of 5 semesters there that I realised I was emotionally attached and adicted to making myself throw up. Every time I threw up I was releasing the emotions that I had tried to get away from by eating. I started going to counceling. I think it did help, because I did stop throwing up, but I never changed to negative perspective of myself. I never replaced these thoughts with what Christ says about me in His word. Instead I just stopped caring. I stopped caring about my health, weight. For the last 3 years I have eaten whatever I wanted but still believing the lie that I was not and attractive person. This year it is my goal to become healthy with my weight in order to honor the temple of God, as well as change my perspective of not being worthy to believing that I am a daughter of the King and He calls me beautiful.
I know that changing years of a belief will no be easy, but I have a plan. First of all I am starting a diet that my doctor is putting me on, and then I am also doing a Biblestudy called Search for Significence. The biggest plan is spending time with God and allowing Him to turn my chaos into something beautiful.

Why I started a blog

So before I continue with this blog, I wanted to preface the content and reason I started this. This blog will not be the typicall this is what i did today blog, but an avenue that I will record how God is working in my life. I want to do this for my own benefit as well as the benefit to those who read it. In order for God to get all the glory from my posts, I feel like I need to be completely honest about what I am struggling with. Being honest about the tempations that I experience and past hurts that I struggle with is not going to be easy for me, but I really feel that I am suppose to share them. Please do not take anything I say as being offensive, or worrysome. I am fully aware of the gravity of the things I am dealing with, and I am seeking guidence and healing. Keeping that in mind, as you read my posts I would like you to keep two things in mind. First I am human, and I have real struggles. While I may look and act like I have it all together I don't, and I am seeking sanctification just like everyone else. Secondly I want you to know that you are NOT alone in your struggles. If there is one very significant thing that God has shown me through the years it is that I am not alone in my feelings, thoughts, and temptations. I truely believe one of the lies satan has us believe is that we are the only ones who have ever struggled this way, and if I went to seek help I would be judged for it. When we feel like we are alone, that leads to hopelessness, which leads to living an uneffective, depressing life. I have never wanted to tell people what I struggle with because I don't want to be seen differently, and I like to be that person who "has it all together". Although time and time again I feel the Holy Spirit leading me to be honest about who I am, and every time I do He is faithful and brings people to me that struggle with close to the same things, if not the exact thing I struggle with. This gives me hope, and comfort that I am not abnormal but normal in the fact that we all are struggling. Whether you profess Christ as your Savior or not, we all live in the same world with the same desires. What makes a Christ follower different is that first of all they are bought by His blood and forgiven from all sins, but we also should be striving to find our satisfaction in Him and Him alone. Many Christians (I included) don't ever come to the point of complete satisfaction in Him. We live in a physical world and we long to be accepted, loved, and needed. We don't understand that He created these desires in us for the reason of having them fulfilled by Him. We can never have perminent satisfaction by anything other than the relationship we have with Him. This is a concept that I struggle with. I want this to become real for me. I want to experience true satisfaction in Him alone, and not deal with the worry and frustration that ensues with trying to take charge of my desires and try to quench my soul on my own. As I write this I am reminded of the woman at the well. She had a shady past with all the men she had been with, she was outcasted by those she knew...she longed for friendship, healing, and acceptence. She had tried to fill the void in her life by all the men she had been with, she gave herself to them with nothing in return but a soiled name. She was damaged, undesireable, yet Jesus looked apon her and saw her need. He gave her everlasting satisfaction, she now understood that she was desireable, and worth satisfaction. So many times I look at my past, and my present and think I am not worthy to be fulfilled. I am not worthy of the things I desire. I am not worthy of God looking apon me and calling me His beloved, so I don't accept the satisfaction He offers. I try to take matters into my own hands which is what causes the problem. When I grab the reigns this is when my life is chaotic. Again it may not seem like chaos from the outside, but on the inside I am in utter turmoil.
I am in the process of giving up, so He can make my chaos beautiful, for His glory!

2009 - Now

Well, another year is coming to a close, as a new year soon emerges. Many things have transpired in my life and the life of this country in the last year.
This year has been a hard year for me emotionally and physically. Many stresses with work, finances, family, and emotional baggage from my past, has manifested it's self in health problems. I have been going to the doctor on a regular basis since September, and have been on countless medications, with not much results. Even though my body is telling me to take a break and that I can't be the energiser bunny, I continue to push myself. I always say that I have to do everything that I do, and nothing can be cut out. Even though it does seem that way, I think the real reason for staying so busy is that I don't want to slow down. I don't want to slow down because then I have to take an inventory of my life and what is truly going on. I don't want to slow down because if I do I have to confront issues that I have been pushing aside for years, hoping they will just go away. But as I am learning, God doesn't work that way. He commands us to rest. He commands us to be still before Him. I think that is when He teaches us things, when He reveals to us how He is going to make the chaos of life beautiful. I am learning that when I am confronted with the past, this is when He teaches me who I am, this is the time I am being refined and sanctified. Yet while I know this is where I need to be, part of me doesn't want to be there. I don't want to bring up the pain that has been set aside so long, but I know only that will bring true healing.
I say all of this in the first post of my first blog because this is where I am. At the dawning of a new year, I stand at the forefront of change. A change of how I deal with problems, a change of how I relate to others, and a change of how I see myself. At the center of all these changes is Jesus Christ. It MUST be all about Him. With all of the changes that will be going on it is paramount that I keep Him and the cross in the forefront of my mind. It is for His glory that He can take my chaos and turn it into something beautiful.