So, last post I talked about struggles I deal with, and istead of continuing to push them under the rug, this new year I am taking them one at a time and working on them. The first thing I am working on is my weight. I know that most people say they want to loose weight for the new year, because I have done the same thing for many years. However when I have done this it is with the perspective that there is something wrong with me. It is with the thought of "I am ugly and not acceptable" looming over my head, I enter each diet that I have ever been on. This is the lie that I have bought into for years. Building my self worth off of what size I wear and what I look like. Looking back I have always felt this way about myself. I remember one time when I was a child, I was told by someone who was a big part of my life, that it was good I was overweight because when I got married I would know it wasn't for my body but it would be for what was on the inside. I know that this person did not mean this statement to be negative, but it has framed the way I have seen myself for years. When I was finishing up High School I was tired of being overweight so I became determined to loose weight. I lost about 70 pounds by not eating any carbs for over 1 year. During this time, I began to look at my body in a different way. Eventhough I was loosing weight and had a much better figure, I didn't see that. When I looked in the mirror I always saw what was still there...only seeing how much more I had to loose. I developed an even worse self image of myself because my stomach wasn't completely flat and I still had a double chin. So on top of dieting I was wroking out for at least two hours everyday. When I started to platau on loosing weight, and I was tired of dieting I thought I could eat what everyone else was eating and just continue to exercize. Well when I started eating I couldn't stop. After I would eat pizza, or a grilled cheese sandwich I would feel so guilty that I had to just get rid of it. It was then that I decided that I could eat whatever I wanted and just throw it up. It would be the best of both worlds, eat whatever I wanted but not get any of the calories. I did this every so often, but after a while realised what I was doing was not good. I started balancing out my eating habits, but then I moved away to North Carolina for school. This was the first time I had ever spent more than 2 weeks away from home, and I got really home sick. I medicated this feeling with the all you can eat food in the cafeteria. When I started gaining weight I started throwing up again. Again I had bought into the lie of not being good enough, and that what I was doing was ok. It wasn't until I was into my 3rd of 5 semesters there that I realised I was emotionally attached and adicted to making myself throw up. Every time I threw up I was releasing the emotions that I had tried to get away from by eating. I started going to counceling. I think it did help, because I did stop throwing up, but I never changed to negative perspective of myself. I never replaced these thoughts with what Christ says about me in His word. Instead I just stopped caring. I stopped caring about my health, weight. For the last 3 years I have eaten whatever I wanted but still believing the lie that I was not and attractive person. This year it is my goal to become healthy with my weight in order to honor the temple of God, as well as change my perspective of not being worthy to believing that I am a daughter of the King and He calls me beautiful.
I know that changing years of a belief will no be easy, but I have a plan. First of all I am starting a diet that my doctor is putting me on, and then I am also doing a Biblestudy called Search for Significence. The biggest plan is spending time with God and allowing Him to turn my chaos into something beautiful.
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