"Two Hands"

Well...again it has been awhile since I have written a new post. If you were to ask me face to face why I have not written, I would say I have just been busy. Although if I take a real inventory of how I have been acting lately I think I may be slipping back into some depression. I feel very frustrated with myself and my actions, that I am beginning to rekindle my past love affair with my bed. Apathy has overtaken me...as soon as I am not working or doing something that has been scheduled on my calendar I crawl into my safe place of nothingness. This is the place where I have no responsibilities, no expectations, no disappointments. In this place I can just be alone and watch TV to escape the thoughts that run through my head, and deny the desires in my heart, run away from the responsibilities that plague me.
All the while this is going on, I feel God talking to me, telling me He has a wonderful plans for me...for an abundant life. Everyday however, the more I withdraw into my covers, and into my secret sins, to find satisfaction the less I hear the Saviour calling to me. This shouldn't surprise me, when I know I need to run to Him instead of allowing myself to be swallowed up by self pity and apathy. I know I am told to seek and I will find, cry out and He will answer, but I find myself unable to do so. I feel stuck...trapped in my own desires. Chained by my unwillingness to get out of bed. The voice of change and hope that used to be so clear, is now a distant whisper....so far away, and unclear.
One hand holds tightly onto the world I live in and the control that I long to keep, the other slowly letting go of the One I should be holding onto tightly. I feel my grip slipping every time I willfully disobey my Father. I know that the more I hold onto the world, and try to control my own destiny the less and less control I really will have. I want to obey, but I don't want to obey. I want to be saved, but I want to be my own hero. I desire intimacy with my Saviour, but don't want to spend time with Him at the expense of missing my TV time. I am frustrated...there is no balance in my life...I try to keep one foot in the world, and the other in heavenly things, and it doesn't work. I know I need to let go...but how...how do I make myself search after the right life, and not just the right things? How do I let go...how do I surrender it all? Funny, this is what I taught last summer at youth camp...now I am drowning in the sea of longing...longing to put things right myself. While all this time, I am reminded...it is not I that changes the chaos of my life, it is He and only He that makes my chaos into something beautiful.

"Two Hands" by Jars of Clay
I’ve been living out of sanity I’ve been splitting hairs and blurring lines I am a house that is divided In my heart and in my mind Chorus* *I use one hand to pull you closer The other to push you away If I had two hands doing the same thing Lifted high, lifted high* I have a broken disposition I’m a liar who thirsts for the truth And while I ache for faith to hold me I need to feel the scars and see the proof (Chorus) And if we just keep digging we can reach the foundation Of our souls And if we just keep cutting all the chains from our hearts We’ll lose control And it feels like giving in It feels like starting over It feels like waking up, and you know it’s coming It feels like a brand new day Open your eyes (Chorus) Lifted high, Lifted high,

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I749u84cFDI

Students

So, yesterday was the last class day of the fall semester at the school that I teach at. Kind of surreal that this will be my last year of teaching. When I got to school yesterday I decided that I was going to give my level 3 students a day that they could chill or study if they needed to, because most of them were exempt from my final exam anyway. During my first class I was able to just sit and talk with some of my students. As I did so, I felt God impressing them upon my heart. Each of my students are faced with so many emotions, and situations that they have no idea how to handle. My heart aches for them because I don't even know how I would handle the situations they face everyday with out the Lord. Words don't even come close when describing how much I care about the students I work with. They are my kids...my kids. I want them to succeed in life...I don't want to see them struggling to find acceptance, searching for love in the wrong places, or looking at themselves in a negative way. I look at each one of my students and I see their need for the love and acceptance, not from people here on earth, but from the only one who can satisfy those desires. Jesus Christ, the Savior of the world, the One who desires a personal relationship with with each of us. This relationship is another thing that is extremely hard to put into words. It is not just a casual relationship, or one that we only partake in when we need something. The relationship that Christ desires to have with us is suppose to be so intimate that the relationship between a husband and wife is suppose to be just a glimpse of the one we have with Christ. He is jealous to have that kind of relationship with all of my students, a satisfying relationship. Again like the woman at the well...she will thirst no more. As I type this, the Lord lays it on my heart that the care I have for my students, is just a glimmer of what He feels for me. He sees the big picture. He sees my desires and completely understands my emotions. He also sees everything I try to use to ignore and satisfy all the things I feel. Jesus looks at me and everything that surrounds my situation and says "I love you. Catherine, drink from the water that I give and you will never thirst again." It is so hard though...I don't know how to drink from His well...to find satisfaction in Him. Sometimes I just want to get away. I want to have a retreat with God...apart from all the distractions of satan.
I don't know...I guess I am just rambling now. So many things...others, feelings, Christ. Trying to figure out how to reconcile it all...

Lots to say

Well, I've been meaning to post for a while, in fact with everything that has been going on I should have at least have 3 more posts since my last one. Every time I sit down to type though something seems to happen that causes me not to write. I'm not sure what it is, maybe it is just not feeling in the mood to emotionally drain myself. Maybe I wonder if this blog is serving a purpose. Or possibly I just don't want everyone to know what is going on. If everyone knows will I still be accepted? I think it may be all of these things, but as I write this I also feel the sense of knowing if I put it out there I will be held accountable to it. Accountability is such a hard thing for me. When I am saying I want to be held accountability I am admitting that I can't do it alone. It almost feels like I am saying I am weak and can't do it alone. Honestly, that is the truth, I am weak, and I can't do it alone. I know we are one body, and we all must come along side each other and lift up or brothers and sisters, but it is hard to admit you are the one in need of lifting. I have shared some of the things that I struggle with in previous posts, and I hope to continue to do so openly and honestly. Now to update you on recent events.
First to continue on my last post about my diet, I have started and am in full the full swing of it. This diet is very different than any diet I have ever heard of. The diet is called the HCG diet and going through it results in a complete overhaul and change in how your metabolism works. Also because this diet is very intense you have to go through your doctor to do it, and I have to go in every 2 weeks to get a check up and make sure it is all going well. What happens is my doctor gives me a RX for the hormone HCG. I take it every morning. The HCG causes my body to break up and digest the fat it already has and uses it for fuel instead of the food I eat. This causes me to not be hungry, and I only eat 500 calories a day, so the other 1500 calories that are needed are obtained from stored fat in my body. I stay on this strict diet for 40 days, and then I go on a 6 weeks maintenance (with no HCG) where I can eat as much as I need to, but no starches or sugars. Then I do back on the HCG diet after the 6 weeks is over, for another 40 days. During the 40 days I can lose up to 40 lbs, but the goal of the maintenance is to not gain or lose. So far I have lose 5.5lbs, but I cheated on Friday and Saturday so if I had not done that it probably would have been more since I have been on it for 8 days so far. The diet has been good so far, but since being on it I have realised more than ever my emotional dependency on food. I eat when I am sad, I eat when I am bored, but rarely do I eat when I am hungry. It has been interesting the last few days recognising and learning when I am hungry and when I am not. It is like I am listening to my stomach for the first time ever, and that is a weird feeling. I am trying to learn that I don't need to turn to food when I am emotional because that just puts a band aide on what is really wrong. God is reminding me that He is the only one who can help how I feel because He is the one who gave me those feelings. I will write more about the diet as it goes, but it is going well...
Second, last week I went to my first Celebrate Recovery meeting. For those of you who don't know what Celebrate Recovery (CR) is, it is a 12 step program based on Biblical principles to help people get over hurts and hangups that happen in life. If you have heard of CR before you may think of it as a christian version of AA. While CR does have 12 steps like AA, it is more broad in helping people with all kinds of problems we face as Christians living in the world. Honestly any one who has ever experience a hurt or habitual sin could benefit from CR. I am going for a few reasons, some of which I have already shared, and some I have yet to share. Anyway, I went to my first class last Wednesday and it was really good. I was really nervous about being open with people I didn't know, but God blessed me going and it was good. I will probably talk more about this later, but I wanted to leave you with the first 2 steps we went over in class.
1. We admit we are powerless over our addictions and compulsive behaviors, that our lives have become unmanageable. "I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do good, but I cannot carry it out." Romans 7:18
2. We came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity. "For it is God who works in you to will and act according to His good purpose." Philippians 2:13
Third thing that has been going on is that I went with a friend down to Houston to take my advance BEI certification test (an higher level for sign language interpreting in Texas). The test went well, now just waiting for results. The trip itself was really good as well. I was able to talk about some of the struggles that I have yet to post on here, and my words were not returned void. It was a really good time of sharing and sharpening each other. I feel like it has been a long time since I have been in a situation of mutual sharpening in a long time. I value the friendship I have in this person highly and thank God for it. At the same time I know that this friendship can not be the way it is now forever, for a few reasons, and this saddens me. However, I am trusting that God will bring someone else into my life that will spur me on and keep me accountable in a deeper way than this friendship ever will.
Fourth, I am starting a book study with a couple of girlfriends and we will meet for the first time this week. The book we are going over is called "The Search for Significance: Seeing Your TRUE WORTH through God's Eyes". I started reading it a couple of days ago, and I am really excited about it, and am looking forward to changing the poor self image that I has become self imposed for so many years. The last thing I will leave you with in this incredibly long post is this:
"He chose is in Him before the foundation of the world, that we should be holy and without blame before Him in love, having predestined up to adoption as sons (and daughters) through Jesus Christ, according to the purpose of His will, to the praise of His glorious grace, which He has blessed us in the Beloved". Ephesians 1:5-6
Do you believe this? Do you believe that God looked at you and all your flaws before the beginning of time and chose you to be His pure son or daughter? You are in a royal family, a heir of the one true King. How does this affect how you see your life, and how your go about life on a daily basis?
Please leave comments letting me know. I would love to know where you are in your life, and what God is teaching you. If you don't want to leave a public post feel free to facebook me, or email me at cmshorrock@gmail.com
Love all of you, and remember, He has promised to turn our chaos into beauty if you just surrender it to Him.

First Step

So, last post I talked about struggles I deal with, and istead of continuing to push them under the rug, this new year I am taking them one at a time and working on them. The first thing I am working on is my weight. I know that most people say they want to loose weight for the new year, because I have done the same thing for many years. However when I have done this it is with the perspective that there is something wrong with me. It is with the thought of "I am ugly and not acceptable" looming over my head, I enter each diet that I have ever been on. This is the lie that I have bought into for years. Building my self worth off of what size I wear and what I look like. Looking back I have always felt this way about myself. I remember one time when I was a child, I was told by someone who was a big part of my life, that it was good I was overweight because when I got married I would know it wasn't for my body but it would be for what was on the inside. I know that this person did not mean this statement to be negative, but it has framed the way I have seen myself for years. When I was finishing up High School I was tired of being overweight so I became determined to loose weight. I lost about 70 pounds by not eating any carbs for over 1 year. During this time, I began to look at my body in a different way. Eventhough I was loosing weight and had a much better figure, I didn't see that. When I looked in the mirror I always saw what was still there...only seeing how much more I had to loose. I developed an even worse self image of myself because my stomach wasn't completely flat and I still had a double chin. So on top of dieting I was wroking out for at least two hours everyday. When I started to platau on loosing weight, and I was tired of dieting I thought I could eat what everyone else was eating and just continue to exercize. Well when I started eating I couldn't stop. After I would eat pizza, or a grilled cheese sandwich I would feel so guilty that I had to just get rid of it. It was then that I decided that I could eat whatever I wanted and just throw it up. It would be the best of both worlds, eat whatever I wanted but not get any of the calories. I did this every so often, but after a while realised what I was doing was not good. I started balancing out my eating habits, but then I moved away to North Carolina for school. This was the first time I had ever spent more than 2 weeks away from home, and I got really home sick. I medicated this feeling with the all you can eat food in the cafeteria. When I started gaining weight I started throwing up again. Again I had bought into the lie of not being good enough, and that what I was doing was ok. It wasn't until I was into my 3rd of 5 semesters there that I realised I was emotionally attached and adicted to making myself throw up. Every time I threw up I was releasing the emotions that I had tried to get away from by eating. I started going to counceling. I think it did help, because I did stop throwing up, but I never changed to negative perspective of myself. I never replaced these thoughts with what Christ says about me in His word. Instead I just stopped caring. I stopped caring about my health, weight. For the last 3 years I have eaten whatever I wanted but still believing the lie that I was not and attractive person. This year it is my goal to become healthy with my weight in order to honor the temple of God, as well as change my perspective of not being worthy to believing that I am a daughter of the King and He calls me beautiful.
I know that changing years of a belief will no be easy, but I have a plan. First of all I am starting a diet that my doctor is putting me on, and then I am also doing a Biblestudy called Search for Significence. The biggest plan is spending time with God and allowing Him to turn my chaos into something beautiful.

Why I started a blog

So before I continue with this blog, I wanted to preface the content and reason I started this. This blog will not be the typicall this is what i did today blog, but an avenue that I will record how God is working in my life. I want to do this for my own benefit as well as the benefit to those who read it. In order for God to get all the glory from my posts, I feel like I need to be completely honest about what I am struggling with. Being honest about the tempations that I experience and past hurts that I struggle with is not going to be easy for me, but I really feel that I am suppose to share them. Please do not take anything I say as being offensive, or worrysome. I am fully aware of the gravity of the things I am dealing with, and I am seeking guidence and healing. Keeping that in mind, as you read my posts I would like you to keep two things in mind. First I am human, and I have real struggles. While I may look and act like I have it all together I don't, and I am seeking sanctification just like everyone else. Secondly I want you to know that you are NOT alone in your struggles. If there is one very significant thing that God has shown me through the years it is that I am not alone in my feelings, thoughts, and temptations. I truely believe one of the lies satan has us believe is that we are the only ones who have ever struggled this way, and if I went to seek help I would be judged for it. When we feel like we are alone, that leads to hopelessness, which leads to living an uneffective, depressing life. I have never wanted to tell people what I struggle with because I don't want to be seen differently, and I like to be that person who "has it all together". Although time and time again I feel the Holy Spirit leading me to be honest about who I am, and every time I do He is faithful and brings people to me that struggle with close to the same things, if not the exact thing I struggle with. This gives me hope, and comfort that I am not abnormal but normal in the fact that we all are struggling. Whether you profess Christ as your Savior or not, we all live in the same world with the same desires. What makes a Christ follower different is that first of all they are bought by His blood and forgiven from all sins, but we also should be striving to find our satisfaction in Him and Him alone. Many Christians (I included) don't ever come to the point of complete satisfaction in Him. We live in a physical world and we long to be accepted, loved, and needed. We don't understand that He created these desires in us for the reason of having them fulfilled by Him. We can never have perminent satisfaction by anything other than the relationship we have with Him. This is a concept that I struggle with. I want this to become real for me. I want to experience true satisfaction in Him alone, and not deal with the worry and frustration that ensues with trying to take charge of my desires and try to quench my soul on my own. As I write this I am reminded of the woman at the well. She had a shady past with all the men she had been with, she was outcasted by those she knew...she longed for friendship, healing, and acceptence. She had tried to fill the void in her life by all the men she had been with, she gave herself to them with nothing in return but a soiled name. She was damaged, undesireable, yet Jesus looked apon her and saw her need. He gave her everlasting satisfaction, she now understood that she was desireable, and worth satisfaction. So many times I look at my past, and my present and think I am not worthy to be fulfilled. I am not worthy of the things I desire. I am not worthy of God looking apon me and calling me His beloved, so I don't accept the satisfaction He offers. I try to take matters into my own hands which is what causes the problem. When I grab the reigns this is when my life is chaotic. Again it may not seem like chaos from the outside, but on the inside I am in utter turmoil.
I am in the process of giving up, so He can make my chaos beautiful, for His glory!

2009 - Now

Well, another year is coming to a close, as a new year soon emerges. Many things have transpired in my life and the life of this country in the last year.
This year has been a hard year for me emotionally and physically. Many stresses with work, finances, family, and emotional baggage from my past, has manifested it's self in health problems. I have been going to the doctor on a regular basis since September, and have been on countless medications, with not much results. Even though my body is telling me to take a break and that I can't be the energiser bunny, I continue to push myself. I always say that I have to do everything that I do, and nothing can be cut out. Even though it does seem that way, I think the real reason for staying so busy is that I don't want to slow down. I don't want to slow down because then I have to take an inventory of my life and what is truly going on. I don't want to slow down because if I do I have to confront issues that I have been pushing aside for years, hoping they will just go away. But as I am learning, God doesn't work that way. He commands us to rest. He commands us to be still before Him. I think that is when He teaches us things, when He reveals to us how He is going to make the chaos of life beautiful. I am learning that when I am confronted with the past, this is when He teaches me who I am, this is the time I am being refined and sanctified. Yet while I know this is where I need to be, part of me doesn't want to be there. I don't want to bring up the pain that has been set aside so long, but I know only that will bring true healing.
I say all of this in the first post of my first blog because this is where I am. At the dawning of a new year, I stand at the forefront of change. A change of how I deal with problems, a change of how I relate to others, and a change of how I see myself. At the center of all these changes is Jesus Christ. It MUST be all about Him. With all of the changes that will be going on it is paramount that I keep Him and the cross in the forefront of my mind. It is for His glory that He can take my chaos and turn it into something beautiful.