So before I continue with this blog, I wanted to preface the content and reason I started this. This blog will not be the typicall this is what i did today blog, but an avenue that I will record how God is working in my life. I want to do this for my own benefit as well as the benefit to those who read it. In order for God to get all the glory from my posts, I feel like I need to be completely honest about what I am struggling with. Being honest about the tempations that I experience and past hurts that I struggle with is not going to be easy for me, but I really feel that I am suppose to share them. Please do not take anything I say as being offensive, or worrysome. I am fully aware of the gravity of the things I am dealing with, and I am seeking guidence and healing. Keeping that in mind, as you read my posts I would like you to keep two things in mind. First I am human, and I have real struggles. While I may look and act like I have it all together I don't, and I am seeking sanctification just like everyone else. Secondly I want you to know that you are NOT alone in your struggles. If there is one very significant thing that God has shown me through the years it is that I am not alone in my feelings, thoughts, and temptations. I truely believe one of the lies satan has us believe is that we are the only ones who have ever struggled this way, and if I went to seek help I would be judged for it. When we feel like we are alone, that leads to hopelessness, which leads to living an uneffective, depressing life. I have never wanted to tell people what I struggle with because I don't want to be seen differently, and I like to be that person who "has it all together". Although time and time again I feel the Holy Spirit leading me to be honest about who I am, and every time I do He is faithful and brings people to me that struggle with close to the same things, if not the exact thing I struggle with. This gives me hope, and comfort that I am not abnormal but normal in the fact that we all are struggling. Whether you profess Christ as your Savior or not, we all live in the same world with the same desires. What makes a Christ follower different is that first of all they are bought by His blood and forgiven from all sins, but we also should be striving to find our satisfaction in Him and Him alone. Many Christians (I included) don't ever come to the point of complete satisfaction in Him. We live in a physical world and we long to be accepted, loved, and needed. We don't understand that He created these desires in us for the reason of having them fulfilled by Him. We can never have perminent satisfaction by anything other than the relationship we have with Him. This is a concept that I struggle with. I want this to become real for me. I want to experience true satisfaction in Him alone, and not deal with the worry and frustration that ensues with trying to take charge of my desires and try to quench my soul on my own. As I write this I am reminded of the woman at the well. She had a shady past with all the men she had been with, she was outcasted by those she knew...she longed for friendship, healing, and acceptence. She had tried to fill the void in her life by all the men she had been with, she gave herself to them with nothing in return but a soiled name. She was damaged, undesireable, yet Jesus looked apon her and saw her need. He gave her everlasting satisfaction, she now understood that she was desireable, and worth satisfaction. So many times I look at my past, and my present and think I am not worthy to be fulfilled. I am not worthy of the things I desire. I am not worthy of God looking apon me and calling me His beloved, so I don't accept the satisfaction He offers. I try to take matters into my own hands which is what causes the problem. When I grab the reigns this is when my life is chaotic. Again it may not seem like chaos from the outside, but on the inside I am in utter turmoil.
I am in the process of giving up, so He can make my chaos beautiful, for His glory!
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